MY poverty

Others have given, given, and given to me and still ends won't meet. My finances are stagnating, but I have comfort that it's temporary. But it's not so for others. I feel an urging in my spirit to give, to give not just from my financial poverty but from my wealth of spirit. To give out of the blessings I have been so fortunate to recieve. I save six dollars for to last the rest of this week, barely have enough bread for a sandwich. But I have the bread for a sandwich. I am abundantly wealthy in ways I don't know. Why don't I share my little bit with someone else, and in giving find that I am more wealthy than I know.

Okay...the cloud has passed

Okay okay, so I'm done with the pseudo-depressing blogs. I have been listening to one too many sad songs...plus I'm sure quantum levels of stress and poor nutrition did not help. Also, I am POSITIVE the stress had me going bald in my eyebrows. I'm serious. I know I did not pluck it. And then, it only requires one or two eyebrow hairs to fall out to go bald, so it's very likely. Lol.

Well, just for kicks. Here is a picture of me looking GREAT! That always makes me feel happier. Yeah, that and seeing my son's pale white booty streak across the room. Hilarious.

Gifted?...

It has recently been brought to my attention that my son may be verbally advanced, which is very exciting for me. It's a nice confirmation that staying at home with him is a definite benefit regardless of what outside pressures may say. So...I've decided to start documenting some of his current words to have a record.
Currently he says:

light
la luz ("light" in Spanish)
sit down
lay down
get down
get up
up
doggie
tiger
eat-eat
cup
shoe
daddy
mama
yeah!
nose
teeth
ball
go-go-go...or any variation of this...lol
no
uh oh
oops
hi
bye or bye-bye
woof-woof
"growl" if asked what a tiger does
eyes
"A"
"B"
"C"
"D"
"1"
"2"
"3"
book
on
off
more
duckie
quack
juice
mine
thank you
bite

Also, he remembers words he does not hear often and knows when to use them. Example is "la luz"; he heard this at his grandma's, but he knows that it is light and says it often. He quickly learns a word and assimilates it.

I just realized

My son's balls fit in a spoon. He has a tablespoon of balls.

See what a Tuesday will bring you...

So...let's start with the biggest thing to happen on a Tuesday since my son's birth (wait, I think it was Tuesday, or maybe Thursday. I know it started with a T. ) Anyways, the memorial to Michael Jackson. Like everyone, I revered him. I was not a die-hard fan, but with Michael Jackson everyone is a die-hard fan, because I have never met a person who did not love Michael Jackson. Even Alien Ant Farm reprised his song; he had appeal for the rockers. We all grew up with Michael just as we grew up with family. He was our generation, and no one surpassed him. And I am surprised at how much it hurt to watch his memorial. I was crying into a towel, and my son saw me and came over and started wiping his eyes with the towel to copy me. I pray for his soul, his pain must have been immense, but his reach was greater than his pain. For his children, I pray God shields them from the pitfalls of spotlight, that they will not be a cautionary tale of the dangers of stardom, as their father was. ::TEARS::

Okay, jumping from sadness to anger, nay frustration. I always wonder how far I will go to make a point, and so far I realize...I will go pretty damn far. I am fascinated by how much influence a person can have over their surroundings when they refuse to give up. On a larger scale, I always wonder how people getting together can curtail hunger, AIDS, famine. How can I hope to do that if I can't and won't fight for myself? How can I defend others when I lay down and submit over trivial issues. Can I get back your land or your right to food if I can't even get back my $100 from a seemingly unscrupulous pageant director? (The true scruples of this person remain to be seen. I am not implying they are unethical, I am implying uncooperativeness up to this point. That is all). Well, I guess in the case of Michael, you can heal the world even when you can't heal yourself.

This is all because I want to be a "professional agitator". I want to make changes for a living. Push the envelope until it opens up. Fight until things happen. I guess I'm practicing right now. Is suing necessary? Am I doing too much for $100? I don't know. But if $100 wasn't worth anything, she would not be so set on keeping it. So obviously, it is more valuable than other girls are believing. So...yes. I will keep fighting. For my right to be made whole. I have sacrificed alot for this, and I deserve to be recompensed damages for my loss. YESSIRREE MA'AM!

As for my goals, I want a shop. I think I want a T-shirt shop. Yes, I want to enter the oversaturated market of fashion. But hey, if it's oversaturated then that means there is ample room for me. And considering I don't wear T-shirts, this should be great! I have a name too. No logo and no design. But I think I'm going to work on this. As intellectual as debating neo-conservatism is, I also have a penchant for fashion and creativity, and that aspect of my life is unfullfilled. And it is leaving my life feeling a tad...drole. Children's shirts are great too. I could make some that my gorgeous son would wear. This could be awesome. Looking forward to it.
HAHA! I've got a vision now!

And I finally finished Paulo Coelho's "The Witch of Portobello" last night. Surprise ending. I appreciated that. More on that to follow.

One more thought: consider this. Questions seem like the most harmless activity you can engage in. Since childhood, we were taught you can never ask too many questions. I have learned that the very nature of asking the right question can be an aggressive act and start revolutions. I can provoke emotions across a wide range of spectrums. Questions disrupt the balance and demand private issues be brought to the light. That is why, the right question at the right time can get you in trouble and/or liberate you.

Death of the Clock

I'm officially switching to using sun-dials to measure my day, and to maximize my feelings of success regarding what I accomplish I'm making my day 40 hours long. That way, I feel like I have much more time to get things done, because 24 hours is just not cutting it. I thought my last semester of undergrad was killer! Time management and having a million things to do and no time to do them are not the same thing! Completely different lesson, different school entirely. Balancing kid, school, house management, relationship, as well as a wedding is TOO DAMN much. Oh, what those without kids and obligations to others don't realize....they are only limited by their own strength. I use all my strength, I better find some more and muster up the energy to give my all to two other beings. I can't run on empty on my motherhood job. There is no "I have nothing left to give". I better dig down deep and find it. There are no excuses, no "It will wait for tomorrows", no "I'm sorry I'm overwhelmed" or "my bad, I'm running late/I forgots".
But oh....the payoffs.
No degree, no paycheck can equal that payment of a hug, or a meaningful kiss or a cookie-filled swipe across the face.
So...I'm trying to kill the clock. Stop the endless mad dash against time for increasing productivity. Take a breath, play with my son, lay with my future husband...and enjoy the the love that abounds in my world. Most people work endlessly for decades and don't reach a payoff. Luckily, I get a check and a bonus after every day. And it is a direct deposited to my heart.

My problem is

Just like Paulo Coelho says in the Alchemist, people never realize their dreams because they are afraid of being happy. I refuse to believe that happiness in a couple can be achieved and that it can be sustained. My mind wants to glorify the single escapades of women who are smart, independent, sexually adventurous, and don't need anybody. And this is not the truth of the situation, it is just the view from someone looking through rose-colored lenses. Why do I not let myself believe that a life-long friendship and partnership is more fulfilling? I've never seen it firsthand, so it seems foreign to me. Even at this point, I am torn between what I want and what I believe is the limit of what I can get. And that is sad. How do I believe in the fairytale of love when I put the book down?